Wednesday, June 29, 2016

How To Be Alone

It is not impermanence that makes us suffer.  What makes us suffer is wanting things to be permanent, when they are not. ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

Society is afraid of alone - a striking line in a poem I ran across. How much of life is made up of loneliness avoidance, as if our worth as a human being depended on it? Afraid of loneliness, we keep trying to fill this feared hole with filler behaviors, perhaps unhealthy habits, relationships that are draining rather than energizing, drugs, food, alcohol, shopping, material fads, work - the list goes on.
The experience of loneliness is complex. First, there is the simple, objective matter of being by oneself, which in itself isn't (usually) harmful or dangerous. And then there is the "story" we tell ourselves about being alone, what we tell ourselves about our loneliness. And this is where the emotionally destructive hook is. That story may be about how we feel unappreciated or misunderstood, how we are not worthy of love and affection, how there must be something wrong with us to feel this way. Conquering loneliness has little to do with whether we have friends or not—we all know the feeling of loneliness even when we’re surrounded by others.  It has everything to do with examining and ultimately rejecting the story we tell ourselves about what it means to be alone.
If you silence the stories you tell yourself about being alone, a whole new world of wisdom can open up.  One insight could be that you are always here and everyone and everything else comes and goes. Everything is temporary.  No material possession, relationship, feeling, health state is here to stay.  Rather than it being depressing, this can increase the "wow" factor of life: You are the only thing that is always here with you, so how can you be good to yourself, love yourself?

How To Be Alone by Tanya Davis

(Available as a video poem below)

If you are, at first, lonely - be patient. 
If you've not been alone much or if, when you were, you weren't okay with it then just wait, 
you'll find it's fine to be alone... 
once you're embracing it. 

We could start with the acceptable places: the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library. 
Where you can stall and read the paper, 
where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there, 

where you can browse the stacks and smell the books 
you're not supposed to talk much anyway, 
so it's safe there. 

There's also the gym. 
If you're shy you can hang out with yourself in the mirrors, you can put headphones in. 
And there's public transportation 
- because we all gotta go places - 
and there's prayer and meditation 
no one will think less if you're hanging out with your breath 
seeking peace and salvation. 

Start simple, 
things you may have previously avoided based on your avoid-being-alone principles. 
The lunch counter, where you will be surrounded by chow-downers, 
employees that only have an hour 
and their spouses work across town 
and so they, like you, will be alone. 
Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone. 

When you are comfortable with eat-lunch-and-run, take yourself out for dinner, 
a restaurant with linen and silverware. 
You're no less intriguing a person when you're eating solo dessert 
and cleaning the whipped cream from the dish with your finger; 
in fact, some people at full tables will wish they were where you were. 

Go to the movies 
where it is dark and soothing 
alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community. 

And, then, take yourself out dancing, 
to a club where no one knows you 
stand on the outside of the floor 
until the lights convince you more and more 
and the music shows you. 
Dance like no one's watching 
('cause they are probably not) 
and, if they are, assume it is with best and human intentions, 
the way bodies move genuinely to beats is, after all, gorgeous and affecting. 
Dance until you're sweating 
and beads of perspiration remind you of life's best things, 
down your back like a brook of blessings. 

Go to the woods alone and the trees and squirrels will watch for you. 
Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, 
there are always statues to talk to 

and benches made for sitting 
give strangers a shared existence 
if only for a minute 
and these moments can be so uplifting 
and the conversations that you get in 
by sitting alone on benches 
might have never happened 
had you not been there by yourself. 

Society is afraid of alone though, 
like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements, 
like people must have problems if, after awhile, nobody is dating them 

But alone is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless 
and lonely is healing if you make it. 

You could stand, swathed by groups and mobs or hold hands with your partner 
look both further and farther 
in the endless quest for company, 
but no one's in your head 
and by the time you translate your thoughts some essence of them may be lost 
or perhaps it is just kept, 
perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, 
perhaps all of those sappy slogans 
from preschool over 
to high school's groaning 
were tokens for holding the lonely at bay. 
'cause if you're happy in your head then solitude is blessed and alone is okay. 

It's okay if no one believes like you 
all experiences unique, no one has the same synapses 
can't think like you 
for this be relieved, 
keeps it interesting, life's magic things in reach. 

And it doesn't mean you aren't connected, that community's not present. 
Just take the perspective you get 
from being one person alone in one head 
and feel the effects of it 

Take silence and respect it. 
If you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it. 
If your family doesn't get you 
or a religious sect is not meant for you 
don't obsess about it. 

You could be, in an instant, surrounded, if you need it. 
If your heart is bleeding make the best of it 


there is heat in freezing, be a testament


Thursday, June 2, 2016

The Art of Self-Nurturing


Feeling tense? Running on empty? Maybe work, finances, relationships, changes in routine, or daily life have you feeling overwhelmed. Warning signs include feeling anxious, irritable, fatigued, and having repeated intrusive thoughts about a stressful situation. Extreme stress can make you feel like there is nothing you can do. The key to regaining control is a radical return to self-nurturing, to recharge your emotional and physical batteries. Here are some strategies to foster the Art of Self-Nurturing.


Admit your stress. Admit when circumstances have got you down and change is needed. Admitting this creates a moment of calm and stillness, a space to breathe, and a space for observation and awareness. Moving forward is difficult unless you recognize the situation and make a commitment to help yourself through it.

Identify Your Hot Buttons. Figure out what is causing the stress–a relationship to a co-worker or loved one, work demands, a financial commitment, uncertainty about the future?  Write this down.

Acceptance. Take a look at your list of stressors and identify the things that can be changed as well as the things that can’t. Accept that some things are always going to be stressful. Then, attention can be focused on the things that can be changed instead. Try focusing on action steps to make the future less uncertain, such as acquiring skills, making friends and setting goals.  This also means not sweating the small stuff - pick your battles and invest your energy wisely.

Notice how you talk to yourself about yourself and others. Observe the language you use to create your reality, to define and judge yourself and others.  For example, you may say to yourself, "Here I go again, stressing out", when a more effective, self-compassionate statement would be, "Stress is part of life and I'm learning to address it effectively by taking it one day at a time."

Get Outside. Taking in natural beauty, along with physical exercise, can reduce stress and improve physical health. The color green has been shown to have soothing effects on body and mind.  Nature can provide a peaceful soundtrack, beautiful scenery and fresh air to help soothe the soul. Try hugging a tree or walking barefoot in the grass.

Let It Out. Bottling up emotions can increase stress through accumulated feelings of loneliness and helplessness. Communication, both with yourself and others, is key in addressing problems quickly and honestly.  If you need help identifying what's causing your stress, and how to effectively address it, talk to a trusted person or mental health professional.

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Tips to Beat the Winter Blues


You are the sky...Everything else, it's just the weather. ~ Pema Chodron


Winter, with its shorter, colder and darker days, can give rise to occasional feelings of sluggishness, low mood, or Winter Blues. Below are some simple strategies you can use to help these occasional feelings.


Do:
  • Try to have regular sleeping patterns. As you feel down, the urge to escape everything by just staying in bed can become stronger. Try to resist this (unless you are genuinely physically tired) as it can make things harder to deal with.
  • Try to have a plan of what you need to do day-to-day and week-to-week. Make it realistic and review it regularly. Use it to check your progress. 
  • Keep in contact with your friends and loved ones. Cultivate relationships that are close and supportive. If your family is supportive, try to tell them how you feel. Remember you are not alone. Consider the advice and help that others might try to give you as a positive thing in your life.
  • Remember to do some of the things that you have enjoyed doing in the past. Reading, movies exercise, playing sport, spending time with friends, getting back to nature, etc. What works for you is what is most important. Sometimes just having a routine to follow can give you a sense of structure in your life.
  • Practice ways to distract yourself away from negative patterns of thought. Activity and getting out of the house are good in this respect. 
  • Negative thoughts can generate feelings of anxiety. Learning relaxation techniques can help a great deal. A therapist can help you to learn a variety of physical and mental relaxation techniques that will be useful for you in the future.
  • Try to explore the way you are feeling. If you can recognize your emotions, talk about them with friends, and/or with a therapist. Write them down, and see how they may relate to your own thinking about yourself or to things that happen in your life. By doing so, you can avoid them controlling you. Then you can begin to get some control back in your life.
  • Think of things that have helped in the past, if you've experienced the Blues before. Write these things down and remind yourself to keep using them. Allow yourself the time for them to have an effect.
  • Daily exercise and a nutritious diet are important. If your appetite is low, try nutritious smoothies or juices - a liquid diet can be easier to manage if you are prone to gastrointestinal stress.
Don't:
  • Don't be passive and allow your mood to take over, if you can help it. Make some plans for each day. 
  • Try to avoid falling into the trap of "automatic negative thinking". Identify your negative thoughts, learn to monitor them and learn to challenge them. (i.e., look for evidence to support your negative thoughts or assumptions about yourself). Then you can begin to substitute more positive and therefore more useful patterns of thought. Try writing these things down in a notebook. A therapist can help you to develop this approach so that you can be more realistic about those things in your life that are positive. Click here to learn more about strategies for negative thoughts.
  • Don't overindulge on alcohol. It’s a central nervous system depressant and it may make your blues worse.

What distinguishes occasional Winter Blues from Clinical Depression? Check these symptoms of depression or read information about depression. If you check 5 or more of these symptoms for 2 weeks or more, please talk to a mental health or medical professional.
  • Frequently feeling sad and/or guilty
  • Eating more or less (including significant weight loss)
  • Sleeping more or less
  • Loss of interest in things you usually enjoy
  • Low energy, fatigue
  • Irritability
  • Difficulty concentrating and making decisions
  • Thoughts about death and suicide
While the above signs are more common, everyone is different. The following may also indicate depression for some people:
  • Increased use of alcohol and drugs
  • Anger
  • Difficulty envisioning a hopeful future
  • Helplessness
  • Increased aches, pains, or bodily ailments

Seeking appropriate mental health care for depression is important and possibly life-saving. Please contact a licensed mental health professional if you are concerned about depression in yourself or a loved one.